I am Human. Not an Android.

As much as I would like to be an android, and sometimes I feel like I am, I cannot deny the fact that I do indeed bleed and one day I will die. But as so happens in the life of A Hot Mess, there comes a time when I must enter into android mode. In actuality it is fight or flight mode. There isn’t time to curl up and die, only time to plan and figure out my next steps.

You are probably wondering as to what I am talking about. I will explain in as much detail as my human brain can handle but do forgive if do not go into that much detail. I will eventually just not now.

Over the past three weeks I have experienced a cancer scare, a breakup, homelessness, and unemployment. It may sound like the end of the world, it should maybe I don’t know, but I did not see it that way. I was not going to allow my circumstances to get the better of me. I was going to do everything I needed to do to as I have always done. I am a survivor after all. I survived cancer 2 years ago right? So what if I don’t have a job or a place to live?

One thing that having cancer taught me was that I don’t have to live this life alone. I don’t have to do everything alone. I am not invincible. I am not an android. I cannot do everything alone. It is just not humanly possible.

With the help and support of my family and friends, I have accomplished the following over these past 3 weeks: I have a roof over my head, be it temporary. I have been given many job leads. I had a PET scan and I am still in remission.

Had this been me 2 years ago, I would have resorted to getting very drunk every single day. I would have found a hole in the wall and just stayed there until I resurfaced from my alcohol coma. I would have left London. I would have run away as I used to do. But not this time. Not this Hot Mess. I stayed and I came out on top. I have found a place to live and soon enough I will find a job. But most importantly, I allowed myself to ask for help. I allowed myself to feel. I allowed myself to rest when I needed it, to eat when I was hungry, to be reactive and proactive to the best of my ‘human’ abilities. I did go above and beyond because to be honest, this is me. I cannot sit back and wait for life to happen. I make my life happen. I sold my beloved piano, I gave away 9 bags to charity – finally parting with some of my shoes. That was actually the only time I felt I was going to break down. Lol. I put my things into storage and got the fuck out of where I was not wanted.

To be honest, this breakup was a blessing in disguise. I was living in London, but I was not really living in London. I had all these plans and ideas of what living in London was going to be and now I have been given a second chance to explore that. I am healthy, I am young, and I have many years ahead of me. Things happen for a reason, good or bad, they happen for a reason. Sometimes you need a colossal kick in the ass to wake the fuck up. That is what happened to me over these past 3 weeks. A colossal kick in the ass that woke me the fuck up!

I have a long way ahead of me. I have a lot of work to do. It will take time. I need to focus on me first and foremost. I start to and then I get distracted along the way. I only have myself to blame. It is no one’s fault but mine. I have to understand why I keep repeating the same self-destructive patterns. Putting myself in the same self-destructive situations. I need to understand how I can break free of this bullshit. Only me. No one else. That is what I am going to do moving forward. No more. I have been given anther chance in life. Fuck me if I don’t take full advantage of it!

Leave a Reply