I meant to post this yesterday but as my luck has it, I lost everything I wrote. So now I must start again.
Two years ago yesterday, February 2nd, 2015 I was at the Amerikan Hastanesi waiting to have my tumor removed. At the time I did not know for sure if it was a tumor, I could only speculate. It was to be my 4th surgery in 4 years. Yay me! To say the least, I was not looking forward to it.
At the time I did not even know if I was to live or die. Everything was happening so quickly. I thought the worst of course. No matter what anyone says to you, no matter how much you try to think about other things to make yourself feel better, when you’re going through something like that you can’t help it. My life as I knew it was going to change forever. I was going to change. Nothing was going to be the same.
I spent hours and hours mulling over the worst case scenario. It was all I could think about. I even went as far as blaming myself. For the longest time I wondered what it was that I had done that was so bad Ron deserve this. Hadn’t I suffered enough? Why was I continuously being punished? For what? Was I such an evil human being? Had I done something that was so vile? Furthermore, it made me lack confidence. I felt inadequate. There was something that I was NOT doing that resulted in my having all these ailments. It was all my fault. Somehow someway I could’ve done something to prevent all of this. What the fuck was I doing? What the fuck had I been doing all these years???
Should’a could’a would’a right?
Here I am two years later and I am miles away from that insecure, doubtful, meaningless person. I have found myself. I am happy. I am off the benzodiazepines. I stopped drinking for a month. I raised almost £900 for Cancer Research UK. I started my own catering company. I am dancing a lot more. I am happy with where I work and what I almost doing. I wake up early. I am super productive. I am following my dreams. I am happy. Really and truly.
We’ve all been told that you cannot rely on others to make you happy. It is true. However, they can contribute to our happiness. A little less than a year ago I reached my breaking point. I was literally losing my mind and about to have a nervous breakdown. My job was my worst enemy. I was surrounded by indifference, tension, stress. It was more than I could bare. I lost 5kg in 3 weeks. It was all too much.
I finally took some much needed time off. I needed to remove myself from that environment. To this day I applaud myself for taking that decision. Had I stayed in that toxic environment, I can say with certainty that I would not be here today sharing my story. It was potentially worse than finding out I had cancer and going through radiotherapy.
As I wa saying. We are in charge of our own happiness but it definitely helps to find unconditional love. To find someone that believes in you. That encourages you. That wants you to succeed and be the best you can be. That pushes you because they believe and know your potential. In way am I diminishing the love you get from your family. My family has been amazing to say the least. But to have someone by your side everyday cheering you on, is priceless. I never though it would be possible for me. But it was. And his name is Clement Bolliger. My best friend from when we were babies, to the man that knows the woman I am meant to be.
So yes. The Renas today has been a long time coming, but she has always been there. One thing I know for sure is that without the support of family and friends I would not have been able to do it. But I must give credit where credit is due. I did this. I made me happen. I survived. I survive everyday because I will not give up. Giving up is easy. Living is fucking hard as hell. Figuring out your purpose is like a rash that doesn’t go away. You scratch and scratch but never feel relief.
I have learned that there is no ‘end all be all.’ To think that way is foolish and naive. We don’t stop learning, evolving, growing, changing. It’s impossible not to. I embrace who I am. I welcome my challenges. I accept my shortcomings. I cherise my experiences. I venerate my obstacles. Why? Because without them I would not be me. I would not be Renas: a 34 year old cancer survivor that suffers from Endometriosis and other ©CIUEs. An individual that has dealt with more than her share. An independent and strong human being. A philanthropist that selflessly bares her soul for the whole world to see because she knows it can help others. A gladiator. A survivor. A person.
I now who I am and I do it on purpose.
“You are stronger than you know.” – R.S.