#Losing Patience Fast: Mar. 31 –Apr. 6, 2015

3/31/15

Have £110 left on card.

Still waiting on other pin for my credit card.

Had my #CT scan this morning. I now have 3 more tattoos to add to my collection – 3 little tiny dots to make sure I am centered when they give me #radiation.

Dad arrives today, and Azza tomorrow.

Will meet Zoe for lunch tomorrow then go to a dance class.

Still #spotting since Sunday.

#Fought til 3am… Nice one. #All my fault of course. #Tired of the men on my family and tired of men in general.

Spotting stopped.

Had a pap, which was excruciatingly painful.

Had drinks and dinner with Dad. Stayed at the bar til closing.

 

4/1/15

Hannie woke me up like #shit. So a bad start. But having breakfast with Dad. Talking about writing books. So far things with him have been good. Will send me his excerpts to read.

Took a #nap.

#Money????

Have £652 on US card – room stuff will be charged though – minus uses.

£98 on Turkish.

Hotel extended til the 8th then hopefully apartment soon.

#Issues with breathing when I sleep. Coughing in my sleep. Possible #sleep apnea. #Need to stop taking meds while drinking.

Having drinks with fam then going to dinner. #Need to rest more. My brother told me I’m #mean when I’m #cranky.

Dinner was good then had some drinks and a chat with sis. Told her about that girl (from Istanbul). She is pissed!! Need to call and get my money back.

Spoke about #future #plans and changing our lives. I need something different.

My shipment arrives on Friday. Yay!

Night world.

 

4/2/15

Have £323 on US card.

Waiting for advance. Need to call BFSCU. This is ridiculous.

Have £86 on Turkish…

Slept all morning. Needed it. Headed to lunch now.

We (Dad, Hannie, Azza, and I) met for lunch and it was nice. I got some gifts, which felt good. Haven’t received gifts that nice in a long time. It was a good day.

Handled bureaucratic stuff.

Having a conversation with Dad.

Went and took a dance class with Azza. Had a good time and it was a good stretch and stress relief.

Met up with the rest of the family after and it was all good until we got to the restaurant. Everything has to be a #fucking problem. FML. Can there be people less selfish? I #almost lost it. #Trembling and had to go for a smoke. Need to calm down because I can’t lose it yet. If I lose it I feel like there will be no one to pick up the pieces and I need to #stay strong for my mother and for my health and piece of mind. I #can’t allow myself to get angry. It’s not fair to me. I need to be as #healthy as possible. It’s never been about me. I’ve always had to take care of everyone and deal with their shit and put myself on the back burner. For once I have an issue but that doesn’t matter. It’s still about everyone else. But that’s fine. I’m used to it. Ill get through this in one way or another. #Alone or with those that care. Azza is helping in mediating which is what I need. She can deal with Hannie and figure shit out.

About to eat now.

More #arguing.

 

4/3/15

Had to buy Hannie’s ticket back to the US.

Have 0 left on US credit card.

Have £86 on Turkish…

Can’t remember right now what happened this day….

 

4/4/15

Azza says:

“Takes sip of straight room temp Bombay on subway to Brixton with no chaser and says “True G. Hennessy ain’t got shit on what you drink!!!!!” (We were on our way out to meet some friends). Yes ma’am!

Heading home at 7am in the morning.

Well to the hotel. Still can’t wrap my head around it and say I have #cancer. I have #fucking Cancer. Still can’t say it. Fuck. Fuck me. How did I get it?

Why did I get it? Fuck you a trillion billion million thousands hundreds times. Fuck you!

I’m not dying tomorrow but you sure as fuck are making sure that now I live walking on eggshells!

Came home at 7am…

 

Afternoon…

#Siblings arguing over #bullshit.

I got Hannie’s a ticket and he’s complaining because it is an American carrier. #Fuck off!

 

Later in the day….

Racism episode…

 

4/5/15

Have had a #cold for 3 days.

Feeling #dizzy and #hot and #sweaty.

Going out tonight.

Last night of fun for a while folks.

Apology…

 

4/6/15

Cried to my brother. Couldn’t handle the #drama anymore. So #tired. Tired of being everyone’s excuse.

Was out way too late and now of course I have made my cold even #worse. Asked Hannie to get me some lemon juice and nothing… My friend from the hotel volunteered to bring me some tea with lemon and honey.

Had lunch with Emilie. She was amazing as always. Offered to hang out with me in the evenings, go to the movies, museums etc. help to keep me occupied during the upcoming weeks. Need to dance again. Maybe from Wednesday.

 

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