#My-Present-State-of-Mind

As much as I would like to #blog everyday about my #history, my #present does get in the way. You think you may be over it, or at least hope you would be, over a year later. But that is not the case. Some times I do wonder why me? What did I do to deserve this? I’ve had friends tell me that this happened because I’m one of the strongest people they know that could deal with all this #shit. That may be true. But fuck me. How much more is there?

 

What I am referring to is the most recent events that have transpired that are not connected to the lymphoma but to my #©CIUEs (Chronic Illnesses Under Estimated). In June of this year (2016) I discovered that my #endometriosis had come back and so I had to go back on suppressive therapy (i.e. the pill). Everything seemed fine until my #incontinence issues came back. That’s right people. I have a tendency to urinate on myself because my bladder is too weak. I started wearing period pads just in case I started leaking. It’s been a nightmare. I base my liquid intake on where I’m going to be and how quickly I’ll have access to a bathroom! When I went to see the urologist last week, Clement made a joke and said “She collects doctor’s instead of Pokémon.” We all had a laugh, including the doctor. It was funny but also not. It reminded me that my life consists of doctors, hospitals, clinics, ultrasounds, etc. It’s been that way for at least 10 years. Fun, fun, fun. Not! In addition to the incontinence, I did have an endo ‘flare up.’ I could not get out of bed for over 24 hours because I was in so much pain. On the bright side, the endo is still under control and yet another surgery is nowhere in sight. 

 

On top of the endo and incontinence, my psych decided it was time to start weaning me off the Xanax. So now my body is not only get used to the influx of estrogen from the pill, but withdrawal from Class-A drugs. Damn the American culture of shoving pills down your throat like their fucking tick tacks for years on end! I feel like I’m losing my mind some days. Or I just want to cry all the time. This isn’t life. But it isn’t all bad. Unfortunately we too tend to focus more on the negative. I know I do, but I have to weigh the pros and cons. I am very lucky to be alive. It could’ve been much worse. It could be much worse.

1 Comment

  1. abubakr sidahmed says: Reply

    I read this once “A strong GIRL is a someone who can cry themselves to sleep at night and wake you with a smile on their face”………………You are that GIRL…

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