I ask that you read this chapter with an open mind. This was written in February 2015 when I was lost and waiting for my results. I had no idea if I was going to live or die. I had no idea how long I had left to live. Everything that I ever wanted to do I was not going to be able to do it, but at least I would try and leave some sort of legacy. Reading this now, today, gives me chills and also makes me sad. Sad because I was at my darkest moment and I was all alone. Don’t allow that to happen to you. Share your pain. Share your heartache. None of us are alone. There is always someone who will be there. Take advantage of the love and support that surrounds you Always.
For my song I chose “Silver Lining” by Rilo Kiley. I found it both suitable as well as ironic in my situation. All my #CIUEs (the #endometriosis, the #irritable bowel syndrome, the #polycystic ovarian syndrome, the #interstitial cystitis, the #anxiety, the #depression, the# panic disorders, and the #stress) had been the silver lining in my life. The cancer, or rather at this time the fear of cancer, made me gold. It was the icing on the cake; the cherry on top of the massive ice cream sundae. It was to become my greatest #achievement; well surviving it was going to be.
I will admit I was not necessarily in a completely clear state of mind. During this time #alcohol had become my friend. It comforted me. It helped me forget. It helped me sleep. It also helped me eat every few days or so. So it won’t be the easiest read, but I think the general idea will come across. (To anyone that is not mentioned, please do not take offense. It was obviously not intentional.)
RENAS SIDAHMED aka PINA
All viable organs are to be donated.
My CDs and savings will remain in accounts for my niece Yazmine until she reaches 25 and for my godson Xavier. Changes should be made accordingly to ensure that they continue to earn interest until then. Amounts can be upped or left as is. Give them the chance to as great an education as I had. Anything in my checking account will go towards outstanding expenses and/or loans. In addition, my life insurance, pension plan, and 401k, etc. will also be used for outstanding bills and what is left to my family. I will leave no debt for my family to handle.
All my jewelry can be sold at the discretion of my siblings and anything they deem worthy of selling if additional expenses are required. But please do not sell my most precious items. Anything else should be gifted or donated.
Please keep my drawings, paintings, sculptures, and books for Yazmine. They can inspire her and books should never be tossed, as are my piano books and notes. Books are sacred and I want her to know this. Hannie (more in your personal letter) will make sure of that. Do not let her read the ‘racy’ ones until she is old enough but let her read all my books so she will know what I was interested in and I hope that it will interest her too.
Azza, please keep my box of pictures. If my friends want some of them please let them have them, but keep what you want. Make sure everyone gets a chance to see the pictures I have left behind and the videos, also the ones on my computer and external hard drive. (more in your personal letter) As for my dance videos, keep them if they make you happy. Take care of Alessandra as if she was like a mother to us. Give her any pictures or videos, or copies please.
Nuni, you have always been my first child at heart. I never understood the love for a child before you came along. Auntie has always loved you no matter how hard I may have been on you. It was always about love. (more in your personal letter)
Nicole and Xavier, I never meant to leave you behind. I will always be his godmother and look out for his future. You have been my bestest friend, my person. You have always been there for me (more in your personal letter).
You all will get more in your individual letters. You know that I cannot leave things unhindered and not in control. Lol.
Mom, Azza, and Hannie: I will always love you and I will always be here to mediate no matter what. I’ve always been there. I’ve never left.
Mom I was always your baby even if I didn’t act like it. I stayed strong as long as I could. For you, for me, for all of us. I tried mom. I really tried but life had other plans for me that I could not control. Mom you are the strongest person I know. So I know you will be ok and keep the family together in my absence. We are all stronger that we know. We truly are. You don’t need me to move on. You will all be perfectly fine.
To everyone else please read carefully:
Do not be said for me. I lived a hard life but it was a good one because you were all on it. Don’t ever forget that and do not mourn for me. Please celebrate me. Live because I am there with you always. I am there. I love you and I know how much you loved me. So please no regrets. No regrets!!! No tears!!! It is important. I will always be there. Always. I did not know how soon this would come but don’t be scared for me. I am ok. I am not suffering. I am no longer in pain. I am strong. Stay strong and someday I will see you again soon.
My last wish is to be cremated. Mom I know you will not agree but that is my wish. I refuse to rot in the ground. I want to be cremated and my ashes thrown out to sea. I want them floating in the wind since I never got the chance.