After Cookie left I had to come to terms that now all I could do was wait. Waiting is more torturous than the actual prognosis. You sit and wonder if you are dying. Is it just acid reflux. Am I imagining things? Is it all a terrible nightmare? Why me? Why do I Have to go through this? What else do I have to deal with? All you can do is, wait, wait, and wait….
Still no news from doc. Sleep is off. Didn’t go to work Tuesday or Wednesday. I could not face the world.
Swelling and pain from excision seems to get worse but doc said it was fine. Bah!
I’m probably too tense to be able to relax and heal properly.
Started spotting very lightly from the metformin (insulin synthesixing medication prescribed to me because of my PCOS – Plycystic Ovarian Syndrome [more on that #CIUE later]). Have also thrown up yesterday and today in AM after taking morning dose…
No more spotting.
Spoke to doc, they are still running spatial tests.
Made the decision to postpone my training. Have another swollen node and doc said something about ‘more aggressive’ treatment. I feel he’s not telling me everything. But I have to wait.
I will beat it and it will not beat me.
Got the news. It’s something. Will see the oncologist on Wednesday.
It’s happening because I’m strong? I don’t know how much more fight I have left. I’m tired.
Cancelled my trip to DC.
Told Zina everything. I guess to needed to tell someone.
Crazy bitch (the one who tried to off herself in my home) wrote to me accusing me of mental rape! Fucking kidding me? Bring it on. Oh and I’m delusional. Let’s see about that. It will all come out when I write me memoir. She’s the crazy one, not me. And I don’t need this bullshit now!! ‘You’re stronger than you know.’ That’s my plan for the next months to come. I will leave a legacy. I will leave something for this depressing yet hopeful world. It’s not all ‘rose e fiori.’ It’s real life. I’m no different from anyone else but I can say my peace and move on. Hopefully I will be more successful than a book about BDSM – Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism (reference to fifty shades of grey) right? It’s real life. Take it or leave it. That’s what you do with me. Take me or leave me.
Slept 3 hours.
Met for lunch then went to cisterns.
Went out. Had fun. Met Bianca and Valentina for dinner.
Slept all day then met Bianca and Valentina for dinner again before they left.
Didn’t go to work. Can’t concentrate. Can’t sleep. Got my results. Says follicular lymphoma stage 1-2. The idiots at the hospital emailed them to me in Turkish!!! Why would you email such important results to a patient??? Are they insane? How do I deal with it? How I know what it is?
Can be life-threatening leading to a worse cancer or can be cured. Life expectancy says 10-24 years and can come back quick.
Need to figure out what my legacy will be. Shit is real.
Doc appt wed 2/18 for official diagnosis and then treatment. Then will decide how and when and what to tell people.
Need to make a list of where I want to travel to and write my memoire. Maybe will buy a new computer?
Put together my list. Spoke to Bia who helped put my mind at ease. I have to let others in.
I will be ok.