#Slowly-Losing-Control…: Feb. 2 – Feb. 7, 2015

This next entry concerns the week that they removed my #tumor. It was all still very #surreal. I was a complete mess #emotionally. Not only was there the #pain from the surgery, but the #neverending waiting for #results. Your life is on hold. You feel like you are constantly being held #hostage and there is nothing you can do. You realize that you are slowing losing control…

2/2/15
Had my excision biopsy. Cookie came to stay with me. #Love her for that.
Procedure went well but #mentally I was a #wreck all day.
In lots of #pain afterwards.
Will probably take the whole week off from work.
Should get biopsy results by Friday/Mon/Tues?
House was flooding from the AC unit in my bedroom.  #Bled a clot from my suture. Go figure…

2/4/15
In #pain. Hard to walk. Removed the dressing. Scar looks good.
Other node on left side is getting bigger…
Left the house finally and went and got my hair done and went out to eat 🙂
Cookie leaves tomorrow.
Not sure how I will #cope until next week. Hate all of this. Wish it would go away. Her family has been great. Only told my brother from my family. Can’t tell anyone else.

2/5/15
Cookie left.
Had follow up with doc. Still no #results.
Got #blood tests back but they don’t say much.
Other node is getting bigger.
Saw my #therapist. Was a good session. Talking about my history which is irritating but I understand. She needs to know who I am and where I am coming from to be able to help me. Brings up a lot of #shit I’ve had buried.
Spoke to Nicole. She’s been trying to ease her #anxiety about this. So is my brother.
Azza called me and then I called Hannie. Still being the mediator even though I’m the one going through some serious shit.
Called Leigh and Rasheeda was there so couldn’t say much. Not trying to say anything until I know for sure.
Realized my ‘6th sense’ is heightened when it comes to others. Knowing when they are pregnant and what sex the child will be. [*A lot of my thoughts during this period were #random, such as this one.]
Always felt I would #die young. Maybe this is it for me.
Making plans I may not be able to make happen. That is #uncomfortable.

2/6/15
Can’t sleep. Still up at 630am. #Sad, #depressed, #angry.
Tried to #burn again but this time with a hot lighter. Feels good.
Spoke to friends but not the same. Need someone here.
Trying to figure out what I did that was so bad to deserve all this. I’m genuinely a good person. I don’t lie, I care for people – not only friends. So what the fuck is it??? #Why all of this? #What did I do? Racking my brain to figure it out.
Maybe I’m done. Someone has decided I’m done?
Tired of being alone.
Going to bed. Pills to knock me out.

2/7/15
Went out to a friends party. Felt desperate for attention.
See the #burn from the lighter.
Spoke to Alex, Nesim and Hannie it was nice. Called a few other people but no one answered.
Hate feeling needy!!!!!!!!!!!!

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