#No-more-tears: Dec. 6, 2014 to Jan. 30, 2015

The following diary entries are reflective of what I was going through right before finding the #tumor and the few weeks that followed before it was surgically removed.

 

December 6 -11, 2014

Worst experience of my life.

Didn’t sleep for 4 days.

Friend tried to take her life.

Spent all day in the #hospital.

Had to send her home.

Lost a friend.

 

12/14/14

Still #losing weight.

 

12/21/14

#Peed on myself in the AM and PM. (I will discuss the incontinence when I publish my chapter on #endometriosis.)

 

12/24/14

Saw a shrink.

Spent the next 3 days totally alone. No period, #losing more weight, even more #depressed.

 

12/25/14

Went out and #peed on myself again.

 

12/26/14 -12/27/14

#Burned myself again after 7 years. (The burning happens with cigarettes. The first time it happened was in the Spring of 2001. I was supposed to have been in London, UK for a year abroad and I only lasted one semester. This was the first time I had every really felt #depressed. I did not understand why I was always so #sad. So when I went back to college in the US, I spent most of my days in my dorm room getting drunk or sleeping and then one day I #burned myself. The only reason the world of #depression, #anxiety, and #medication became part of my life was because I was afraid of infection (it was pretty bad) and had to go see the nurse.

 

12/30/14

#Flu like #symptoms.

 

12/31/14

Scheduled for #blood work again.

Always tired. Can sleep for days.

Burn is bad but manageable.

Doc wants to check results. Maybe another colonoscopy or probably some psychological shit.

Went out for New Year’s Eve, home by 3 am. Sitting here looking at the burns and wondering what’s next.

Happy New Year I guess…

 

1/1/15

#Swollen lymph node in my right groin.

All #blood results are normal.

 

1/8/15

Lymph node is still swollen.

Having #pain and #symptoms like a #cyst. Very probable.

 

1/9/15

Started seeing a new shrink.

 

1/13/15

#Flu like symptoms again.

Lymph node still swollen.

 

1/16/15 – 1/19/15

Spent weekend in london with friends. Good times. Drank a lot 🙁 so some anxiety). But overall great trip. Miss my people.

 

1/19/15

Still not much #appetite.

#Nausea.

Still fluish.

 

1/20/15

OBGYN appt.

Started #antibiotics for lymph node. If they do not work they will do a biopsy.

 

1/20/15

Saw therapist again.

#Exhausting.

She wants to start from beginning which I understand .

 

1/22/15

Got tested- have insulin resistance. Will need insulin synthesizing medication.

Day 3 of #antibiotics – node is still swollen and hard.

#Antibiotics are giving me really bad stomach pain and diarrhea.

Still no #appetite. Forcing myself to eat.

 

1/27/15

Lymph node is getting bigger.

Still very tired.

Can’t sleep.

Night sweats.

#Stressed.

 

1/28/15

Tried to #burn again. Want to #burn but need to sleep. Don’t know what I’d rather do. Went to sleep and did not go to work.

 

1/29/15

OBGYN appointment.

Waiting to see the #oncologist.

A lymph node has developed on the left side.

Seeing the surgeon tomorrow for consult to remove larger one on the right.

Reached out to my brother, and a few friends. Can’t do it alone.

 

1/30/15

Still up. Had a whole bottle of wine.

Knew there was a reason I decided to burn myself. I will bury this for as long as I can.

I have cried enough today. After today #no-more-tears no matter what happens. #No-more-tears. I am not a #victim. I will take what comes my way.

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