#It’s-never-just-black-or-white

I’d been feeling a bit off, well actually a bit #shit, the past few weeks so I came to the #MacMillan Cancer Center (where I go for my quarterly routine checkups). I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I was #exhausted, both physically and mentally. I was stalling. Why? Well it’s always #stressful going to the doctor, but even more so now since my diagnosis in March 2015.

I feel like this disease holds me hostage. I have a cold or flu and need to make sure it doesn’t last longer than a week or that I don’t have a fever. I feel off so I need to get #bloods taken to make sure everything is still ok, as in I’m still in #remission or if I haven’t developed a new type of #cancer. I may come off as a paranoid schizophrenic hypochondriac, but sometimes I cannot help it.

So I had a cry before leaving the house. Once I got to #MacMillan I started feeling extremely anxious. Got my #bloods done and then dashed to the bathroom where I just lost it for a few minutes. Going through something like this can be so painfully lonely. People tell you to snap out of it. To move on with your life. To distract yourself and keep yourself busy. But it’s always easier said than done. But rather than be my usual sappy self and mull over my feelings with a drink. I chose to be proactive.

I’ve been going to this clinic for almost 2 years! And I only just saw that they have a help/resource center. I mustered up the courage, my eyes still bloodshot, and walked in and asked for help. Specifically I asked if they had any support groups. The young lady that helped me was incredibly nice and did not pity me. I hate pity. I am not a victim. I’m a human being they had something happen to them and I’m working through it. So she gave me some information and I went on my way.

The next step will actually be to attend one of these meetings and see what happens. I might meet some fascinating people. People that can inspire me. Maybe I could inspire them. Or I could just listen and sit in silence for a few hours and not be inside my head. Getting out of your head is extremely difficult but extremely important. Yes I had/have #cancer (I’m in #remission now so I’m never sure which tense to use), but I’m still alive and still in denial. I try and pretend it never happened hence the reason I am in therapy and on medication. But I will get there. I already got through the worst. The rest should be a cakewalk but it’s never just black or white, it’s not even grey. It’s a melting pot of every color imaginable.

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