• chapters
  • Who needs Google when you have friends from SSS???

    When people ask me where I went to high school and I tell them “In Rome, Italy. My school was very close to the Circo Massimo.” They are in awe and tell me how lucky I am. Yes I was very fortunate to have grown up in Rome. A city that has held on to […]

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  • CHAPTER 16 – The Tampon Discovery

    As promised I will go back to the beginning and continue my story on the making of a hot mess. I last ended around the time when I found out that I had endometriosis. I just wanted to back track a little bit and delve deeper into the symptoms I had once I hit puberty […]

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  • CHAPTER 17 – The Progesterone Revelation

    Over the next few years I came to love the comfort and ease of using tampons, but the discomfort and sometimes pain was always there. I found it odd and not knowing I had endometriosis yet, brushed it off as “eh.” I eventually got to a point where I just couldn’t use them anymore. It […]

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  • I am Human. Not an Android.

    As much as I would like to be an android, and sometimes I feel like I am, I cannot deny the fact that I do indeed bleed and one day I will die. But as so happens in the life of A Hot Mess, there comes a time when I must enter into android mode. […]

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  • CHAPTER 15 – #Endo-endo-endo

    As some of you may already know, March is endometriosis awareness month. It is currently March 2017. That means it has been 7 years since I was diagnosed and 18 years that I’m almost positive I’ve had endometriosis. What does this mean? Well like many women and young ladies all over this globe, I am a survivor. I try to look […]

  • diary_entries
  • #xxx

    Dear xxx Thank you for holding me accountable for events that have never transpired. Thank you for brining me followers and for following me. If you have ever felt threatened or defamed by me I truly apologize however I can only apologize for that which I have done intentionally. I don’t know you xxx so all […]

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  • #Be-Fearless-Be-You

    I don’t like to talk politics on social media however, I will make an exception. As an American citizen and diligent taxpayer, a Muslim, a child of immigrants; but more importantly an intelligent, educated, open-minded, thought-provoking, sarcastic, minority female; I would like to express my thoughts. I vote. I have voted every election. Therefore, I […]

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  • #Years-in-the-Making

    I meant to post this yesterday but as my luck has it, I lost everything I wrote. So now I must start again. Two years ago yesterday, February 2nd, 2015 I was at the Amerikan Hastanesi waiting to have my tumor removed. At the time I did not know for sure if it was a […]

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  • CHAPTER 14 – #The-TOs-and-BEs-of-Drugs-and-Withdrawal

    As I continue on my New Year tangent, and before I go back to the Making of a Hot Mess, I wanted to share with you an important milestone in my life. I have finally stopped taking Xanax (clinical name: Alprazolam) and Klonopin (clinical name: Clonazepam), for good hopefully, after a series of ‘starts and […]

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  • CHAPTER 13 – #Alcohol-My-Best-Friend

    To be #honest ever since I was in college, which began in 1999, I cannot remember an extensive period of time when I did not #drink. I’m not saying that I was an #alcoholic nor am; in fact I would joke about being a functional alcoholic. Just that I have had at least one drink […]

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  • CHAPTER 12 – #A-Hot-Mess-in-the-Making

    As drastic and monumental my experience with #cancer has been and continues to be, it is not the only thing that makes Renas Sidahmed A Hot Mess. For 21 years I have suffered from #©CIUE-Chronic Illnesses Under Estimated (not all appeared at the same time), which consist of: – #Endometriosis – Stage 4 and back […]

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  • #The-Yin-to-my-Yang

      Before I get into all my other ©CIUE-Chronic Illnesses Under Estimated, I wanted to take a moment to update you on my present situation. [Side note: I have had acupuncture this afternoon (Dec. 7, 2016) and have had a splitting headache since then; so I apologize in advance for the tone of this chapter.] […]

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  • Renas Sidahmed’s #JustGiving-Page!!!

    I am beating cancer’s ass!!! for Stand Up to Cancer in collaboration with Cancer Research UK and Channel 4 because I’ve been in remission for over 1 year! Help me reach my goal of £500.00! We all deserve to receive decent and adequate healthcare. Not many are as fortunate. Furthermore cancer is spreading like the […]

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  • The-End-for-Now…

    Dear readers, I have now posted 2 new chapters and 3 new diary entries (all can be found on the home page (http://www.itsgoingtobeagoodyear.com). This marks the end of an episode but not the end of my blog or my journey with cancer. What I want to do for the next few chapters is go back […]

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  • CHAPTER 11 – #Hate-‘em-or-Love-‘em

    As much as I would have liked to stop thinking about #money it was always on my mind. Sure my family coming was a #relief; at least I was able to get some help. But I felt guilty. I was so used to doing everything on my own, taking care of myself for many years. […]

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  • #Losing Patience Fast: Mar. 31 –Apr. 6, 2015

    3/31/15 Have £110 left on card. Still waiting on other pin for my credit card. Had my #CT scan this morning. I now have 3 more tattoos to add to my collection – 3 little tiny dots to make sure I am centered when they give me #radiation. Dad arrives today, and Azza tomorrow. Will […]

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  • #Barely Scraping By: Mar. 23 –Mar. 30, 2015

    3/23/15 #Bone marrow biopsy day… At the hospital at 830am, left at 1930pm. Put me to sleep, it was great. Had to add extra dose cuz as usual it wasn’t enough. They gave me #fentanyl and #propofol. Good stuff! Waited until 1520pm for them to do it though. Was really nervous and anxious but got […]

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  • CHAPTER 10 – #Protocols-Incompetence-and-The-Final-Diagnosis/Prognosis

    ***Sorry fellow followers but this chapter is going to be a bit of a snooze fest. Well not entirely, but it does represent a period that was logistically difficult. I was dealing with some of the densest people ever. I was just as disappointed and as I was irritated. Sick leave and health first, my […]

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  • #Less Money, Mo’ Problems: Mar. 16 – Mar. 22, 2015

    3/16/15 Have 335 left on the card Didn’t sleep well. #Anxious. Pulled a muscle in my neck. Go figure… Oh well here we go. #Bone marrow biopsy #2 day. Yay me! 1.5 hours later and 8 mg of #sedative medication and nothing. They are going to book an ER and give me full #anesthesia…. Will […]

  • WHO IS RENAS
  • #My-Present-State-of-Mind

    As much as I would like to #blog everyday about my #history, my #present does get in the way. You think you may be over it, or at least hope you would be, over a year later. But that is not the case. Some times I do wonder why me? What did I do to […]

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  • #FourFiveSeconds/Hours: Mar. 9 – Mar. 15, 2015

    This entry is representative of what exactly this blog is about. The thoughts that go through one’s mind. The randomness, the anxiety, the short fuse, but the overall sense of feeling so exhausted and not being able to do anything about it. (***Readers keep in mind that what I have said in diary entries and […]

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  • CHAPTER 9 – #Someone-Give-Her-a-Horse-Tranquilizer

    We arrived in London on Sunday March 8, 2015 in the evening. I had requested a hotel near the #clinic but instead they placed me in a location that was at least 45 min to1 hour of travel time. Anyhow there was a car waiting so that saved us the trouble for having to take […]

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  • #Damn-the-Man: Mar. 3 – Mar. 8, 2015

    This particular period was very taxing during my whole process with #lymphoma, both physically and mentally. I had to keep it together, keep my eye on the ball. It was about survival.   3/3/15 Returned from UK and Hannie arrived 🙂 Waiting at the airport. Had a regular coffee and now my heart is #pounding. […]

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  • CHAPTER 8 – #Fighting-for-Insurance-[Survival]

    March 3, 2015 I returned to Istanbul and Hannie arrived. Immediately we started working on a different #plan. Initially it was to try and go to the US (the MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, Texas: https://www.mdanderson.org). My brother had a friend in Texas and apparently the MD is one of the best in the […]

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  • #Decisions-and-Denial: Feb. 26 – Mar. 2, 2015

    It was time to take #action. I had received my initial #diagnosis, but I was still not ready to accept it. I needed a second opinion.   2/26/15 Back at work for a few days. Lots to do and calls to make. Start Turkish lessons today… Met with #endocrinologist – will lower dose of #meds […]

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  • CHAPTER 7 – #The-Second-Opinion

    After receiving the news on February 25, 2015 I knew there was going to be lots to do. I decided to go back to work but in the meantime I was going to have a lot to organize. I wanted a second opinion. No, I needed a second opinion. The #oncologist in Istanbul gave me […]

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  • #Tests-and-Time-Outs: Feb. 18 – Feb. 25, 2016

    So I finally got the call from the #surgeon. I was told to come to the hospital at 12pm on the 18th to meet with the #oncologist and he would talk to me about the #biopsy results. Keep in mind that during this period I didn’t know my head from my ass. I was #distracted, […]

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  • CHAPTER 6 – #More Tests-More Agony-More Results

    That day, the infamous Wednesday February 18, 2016 the #oncologist scheduled my #bone marrow biopsy. Luckily I had enough time to do a quick google search and get a sense of what was to be expected. What I was not ready for was the sedation or rather lack of sedation. Now for anyone that has […]

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  • CHAPTER 5 – #The-‘First’-Opinion

    After the final telephone conversation with the surgeon I was asked to come in and meet the #oncologist to go over my results. That was Wednesday February 18, 2015. My appointment was at 12pm. I didn’t go to work that day; I was too much of a nervous wreck. I could not concentrate on anything. […]

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  • CHAPTER 4 – #My-Eulogy

    I ask that you read this chapter with an open mind. This was written in February 2015 when I was lost and waiting for my results. I had no idea if I was going to live or die. I had no idea how long I had left to live. Everything that I ever wanted to […]

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  • CHAPTER 3 – #Painfully-Waiting

    CHAPTER 3 – #Painfully-Waiting Alas it was time for Cookie to leave and I was left to fend for myself again. My house seemed like a prison. I was not willing or able to leave and face the real world but at the same time I felt suffocated and could not stand to be in […]

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  • #The-Waiting-Games: Feb. 9 – Feb. 17, 2015

    After Cookie left I had to come to terms that now all I could do was wait. Waiting is more torturous than the actual prognosis. You sit and wonder if you are dying. Is it just acid reflux. Am I imagining things? Is it all a terrible nightmare? Why me? Why do I Have to […]

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  • CHAPTER 2 – #Removing-the-Peach

    Around mid January 2015, I decided to take a weekend trip to London. Considering that I had not been able to go anywhere for the holidays and my fantastic welcome into the New Year; and of course the fact that my former-friend decided to try and off herself in my home (less than a month […]

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  • #To-sleep-or-to-drink…

    This is a current post folks. What do you do when you are feeling miserable? Do you sleep or do you have a drink? Do you give in to things that eventually aren’t good for you but make you feel good for a while? Or do you stay strong and say I’m bigger than this […]

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  • #Slowly-Losing-Control…: Feb. 2 – Feb. 7, 2015

    This next entry concerns the week that they removed my #tumor. It was all still very #surreal. I was a complete mess #emotionally. Not only was there the #pain from the surgery, but the #neverending waiting for #results. Your life is on hold. You feel like you are constantly being held #hostage and there is […]

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  • #No-more-tears: Dec. 6, 2014 to Jan. 30, 2015

    The following diary entries are reflective of what I was going through right before finding the #tumor and the few weeks that followed before it was surgically removed.   December 6 -11, 2014 Worst experience of my life. Didn’t sleep for 4 days. Friend tried to take her life. Spent all day in the #hospital. Had […]

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  • #The-Uncensored-Truth

    Dear readers, Before posting my diary entries I wanted to say a few words: These are only my thoughts and words. Not those of anyone else. Writing these entries proved to be very #therapeutic. They helped me express myself when I had no one to talk to. When I had no one that would listen. […]

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  • CHAPTER 1 – #Happy-New-Year-to-me…

    Wednesday December 31st, 2014 – New Years Eve. I was in my apartment in Istanbul getting ready to go out and celebrate. I got invited to an event in Bebek. I did not have other plans and I was stuck in Istanbul waiting for my shipment from DC, so I was just happy not to […]

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  • RIP Antidepressants 

    RIP Antidepressants I’ve now been off of all my meds for about a week. As you know I stopped taking the anti anxiety medication and now I’ve also stopped my antidepressants. The thought of being off them is daunting to say the least. When I was on them, all I wanted was to get off […]

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  • 35 Years Strong 

    Every time we celebrate a so called “milestone” birthday it comes with a series of expectations. We are supposed to feel different somehow. Precisely why I decided to wait for a bit after my 35th to post. Do I feel different? Honestly not at all. Have things been different? Of course. Life changes everyday not […]

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  • I Will Not Be Kept

    I’m sure some of you may wondering what actually happened to me 3 weeks ago that left me single, homeless, and unemployed. Well it was a series of events. It wasn’t just one thing they went wrong or many. It was complicated.We all go through things in life from which we can learn from. I […]